Laugh While You Can...

1.  Reporter too Intelligent  

A smart reporter has once joined a local newspaper as an editor. To discover her talent the paper assigned her a first job to cover the activities of a small church in the neighborhood.

The small church lacked funds. The preacher wanted to raise money for his church. Someone told him that horse racing was the best bet to raise fast money. He then went to buy a horse and as the price was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He entered his donkey in the races leaving the results in the Hand of God.

The next day the smart reporter carried the headline in the local paper: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"

The preacher was delighted with the donkey’s performance that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The smart reporter's headline in the paper read as: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity and immediately ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the race again.

Next Day the smart reporter wrote: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

Bishop was so upset again that he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

Next day the paper headline read: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop this time fainted. He immediately informed the nun to get rid of the donkey. The nun then sold it to a farmer for Rs.15/-.

Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR Rs.15/-.

The Bishop seething in anger over the publicity asked the nun to buy back the donkey and let loose it in the wilderness to make it run wild and free.

Next day, the smart reporter wrote: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Next day the bishop died of shock and was buried the following day.

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2.  Finding Jesus

A drunk on a Sunday afternoon stumbles along a Baptismal Service taking place down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The Preacher turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The Preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The Preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the Preacher, "Are you sure this is where HE fell in?"

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3. A Man of Mighty Faith

Once there lived a man of mighty faith. His faith was such that he commands God to do his bidding. Once there was a mighty flood that submerged his city. His neighbor invited him into his boat, "Come with me I'll take you to the safe place."

The man politely refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

Two hours later as the water continued to rise another neighbor passed in a rubber raft, offering to take him to a safe place.

Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

Four hours passed. The man clung to the chimney, trying to avoid the rising water.  A helicopter hovering overhead threw down a ladder "Climb up. We take you to a safe place!" The pilot said.

Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

After that no one came and he met his fate in the watery grave. Standing before God, the man said, "Lord I believed in you, my faith was strong and unwavering and You let me drown!"

Looking at him God replied, "I sent a boat first, then a raft, and finally a helicopter. What more did you want from me!"

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4.  Black Eyes 

A guy with a black eye walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned. "What happened my child?"

"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie at her back. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."

The next Sunday the scene was repeated. Again the priest asked, "What happened?"

"Well, again this lady had a wedgie and this time somebody pulled it out. I thought as she didn't like the wedgie to be set right, I tried to shove her dress back up creating the wedgie."

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5.  What if all the 3 Crore Gods had Computers in those days...

Brahma: Systems Installation

Vishnu: Systems Support

Lakshmi: Finance and Accounts Consultant

Shiva: DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh: Documentation Specialist

Narada: Data Transfer / Troubleshooting Spoiler

Brihaspathi: Chief Information Officer

Yama: Reorganization Consultant

Chitragupta: Personnel Records

Apsaras: Downloadable Viruses

Devas: Utility Applications

Surya: Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas: In-house Hackers

Ram: Hardware Support - Single User Specialist

Lakshman: Support Software and Backup

Hanuman: Document Recovery Expert

Ravan: Dreaded Virus which refuses to go

Vishwamitra: Chief Manager Projects

Hastinapur: Silicon Valley

Arjuna: #1 Lead Programmer (All Companies Vie for Him)

Abhimanyu: Trainee Programmer

Draupadi: Web Server - Shareware

Bhima: MAIN FRAME

Duryodhana: Microsoft Products Chief

Kauravas: Microsoft Service Packs and Patches.

Shakuni: Chief Hacking Expert

Karna: Contract Programmer

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6.  The Programming Contest: Jesus Vs Satan

As usual Satan was tempting Jesus Christ. This time Satan has invited Jesus to a Programming Contest. The Savior willingly accepted the challenge. With God Almighty as the Judge, the Programming Contest ran from morn to evening.

Sparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitors of Satan and Jesus. Suddenly a few moments before when the contest was to end, a bolt of lightning struck and the computers went dead.

A few minutes later after the power returned God Almighty arrived and looked into the results. The Devil fumed and complained bitterly, as it had lost the whole day's work. And Jesus fared well and won the contest because, as everyone knows, JESUS SAVES.

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Was Christ Really Born On 25th Of December?

  Was Christ really born on 25th of December? What does the Bible say on Christ’s birth? What does other customs and traditions (other than Christian) has to do with the celebration of the birth of Christ? Read on... here are the facts dug out from the pages of ancient history. 

  This article is only written from the point of academic interest. 

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The Birth of Christ

Rejoicing the Birth of Jesus Christ

"…behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be unto all people. For unto you is born this day… a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. Luke 2 : 10 & 11.

   Its indeed good news that Christ the Lord, "…died for our sins… and buried; and rose again on the third day…" I Corinthians 15 : 3 & 4. So that whosoever believeth on Him should have everlasting life…" John 3 : 36.

   What isn’t good news is that the way the Christmas – supposed to be birthday of Lord Jesus Christ – is being celebrated. It has become a ritualistic festival with many pagan (non-Christian) customs being observed as a tradition on that day, thereby diluting the very essence of Christ’s birth and His mission on this earth. I Peter 2 : 24; Colossians 1 : 14; and Isaiah 53 : 5 & 6.

   Even the ardent believer whose faith in the Word of God is unshakable seems to have fallen victim to the ritualistic celebrations, which is indeed abhorrence to Lord God.

   For Christmas does not mean the birth of Christ. The word is made up of Christ + Mass which means Christ’s Mass. The Mass is a much-sanctified religious service of the Roman Catholic Church, the performance of the sacrament of the Eucharist, i.e. ceremony performing Lord’s Supper. And Mass is a Latin Word meaning dismiss.

   Further, there is no precedence in the Bible where Christ’s birth was celebrated. But the Lord did ask His people to remember His death. Luke 22 : 19 & 20; and I Corinthians 11 : 24 to 26.

   No one can dispute the fact about Christ’s birth. But it was definitely not on 25th December as believed by Christians throughout the world.

The Possible Scriptural Evidence

   There is possible evidence to believe that Christ was born during the Feast of Tabernacles, which falls in the intervening months of September\October. Of course, one only has to study the Scriptures diligently and relate all the Old Testament prophecies concerning Jesus Christ and place all the feasts of the Lord in proper perspective in relationship to the Savior, (like Passover is related to His crucifixion and First fruits to His resurrection etc.) and interpret it correctly in the light of the Gospels.

   Well, as of December and 25th; it is written in Luke 2 : 8 to 11 that …shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night were told by the Angels of the Lord about Christ’s birth. But this incident couldn’t have happened in December. In Judea, at that time December was cold and at that a rainy season, which is most unlikely that shepherds were out in the field by night.

   Also in verse 1 of the same chapter Luke says, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that the entire world should be taxed or registered for census purposes; and in subsequent verses 3 to 6, “all went to be taxed… Joseph also went up… to be taxed with Mary. This incident also cannot be traced to the month of December because middle of the winter was not fitting for such a business, especially for women with child, and children to travel in those days.

   Even Christ has warned his disciples. "But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter." Mathew 24 : 20. If winter was so bad (like hell) even to flee, then it was certainly not fit time for shepherds to be in the fields nor for women and children to travel. 

   Thus in the light of this argument we could well say, that Christ’s birth and the occurrences of the events in Luke Chapter 2, could not have taken place during winter or more precisely in the month of December as was believed by Christians throughout the world.

   Then how come December 25th has come into wide acceptance as the day of the birth of Christ?

The Significance of December 25th

   To get at the root of this, one should go back to the ancient times and have a look at their customs and traditions that has unique relationship with the day of 25th December.

*  December 25th was the day on which was celebrated the accouchement of the Queen of Heaven, the celestial  Virgin, and the birth of her child, the sun-god.

*  The Savior of Greeks, Bacchus or Dionysus was born of a Virgin on the 25th of December.

*  So was Hercules. Isis, the Egyptians’ Virgin Queen of Heaven delivered the child called Horus towards the end    of December [probably 25^th December].

*   The Egyptians apart from worshipping the Virgin Mother, they also to the congregation exhibited the effigy of her babe lying in a manger, a custom that is very much in practice even today in churches and homes throughout the Christian world.

*  In Rome, the day of winter solstice December 25th was celebrated as the birthday of the unconquered Sun; and it was the birthday of Mithra, the Persian sun-god, whose worship spread far and wide in the Roman Empire.

* Even in Hinduism, from time immemorial and to this day, Sun is worshipped as God. Yet Hinduism did not influence in fixing the Birth of Christ like other customs of the nations across Europe and West Asia did.

*   In Rome, there was another festival called Saturnalia in honor of Saturn, the god of seedtime and harvest. This festival was celebrated with much gaiety and revelry for a weeklong period during the end of December at winter solstice. It was just a kind of Christmas.

* The ancient Germans, Britons and Saxons burnt the Yule (Yule is the Chaldea name for an ‘infant’ or ‘little   child’) log and banqueted at the winter solstice. Their bonfire symbolically represented the sun god’s regeneration as he returned from his winter-home. Thus Christians of that time thought it fit to celebrate the birth of Christ on that day as burning of Yule log supposed to represent the Light of life.

* During the reign of Constantine the Emperor of Rome, the Church at Rome under Bishop Liberius, around 320  A D or 354 A D assigned and fixed December 25th as the day of celebration of Christmas.

December 25th was Fixed as Christ's Birthday

   Thus by the end of the 4th century the whole of the Christian world was celebrating Christmas on 25th of December.

  This is how the day of Mithraic feast of sun god; festival of Saturnalia; and the Yuletide feast; including the veneration of the Queen of Heaven followed by celebration in Egypt, Greek and other parts of the world under Roman Empire strongly influenced the day of Christ’s birth, which came to be the 25th of December.

   But not all fell in line and upright men like Tertullian (230 A D) protested and lamented. They blamed the Disciples of Christ in this respect and demanded they keep themselves away from world’s idolatrous corruption. They couldn’t stem the tide and gradually the church was submerged under pagan superstition.

   John Chrysostom, an Antioch born zealous pastor and archbishop of Constantinople writing in Antioch about 380 A D says, "The birth of our Lord was unknown on the very borders of the Holy Land where He was born; but was made known in all the European regions of the west, from Thrace even to Spain…"

   It is quite clear from the above statement that in those days itself the birth of Christ was unknown in a land where He was born.

Finally December 25th was Accepted as Christ's Birthday

   By the turn of the 4th century, Christians began defending the celebration of Christmas on 25th December on the ground that it got an opportunity to turn the people away from pagan traditions to that of worshipping the Christ as Lord God and Savior.

   To this effect, there went out an official decree to all to observe the festival of Christmas on 25th of December, for it gave them, they believed, a chance to put Jesus Christ, the “Sun of Righteousness” ( Malachi 4 : 2 ) in peoples’ hearts in place of the sun god Mithra. Yes, David also proclaimed in his Psalms 84:11 as “For the LORD God is a sun and shield…”

   Thus, gradually by the year 450 A D and to this day, the 25th of December came to be observed as Christmas, the birth of Christ, throughout the Christian world.

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