Monday, December 31, 2012

Jokes on Religion

1.  Reporter too Intelligent
A smart reporter has once joined a local newspaper as an editor. To discover her talent the paper assigned her a first job to cover the activities of a small church in the neighborhood.

The small church lacked funds. The preacher wanted to raise money for his church. Someone told him that horse racing was the best bet to raise fast money. He then went to buy a horse and as the price was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He entered his donkey in the races leaving the results in the Hand of God.

The next day the smart reporter carried the headline in the local paper: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"

The preacher was delighted with the donkey’s performance that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The smart reporter's headline in the paper read as: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity and immediately ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the race again.

Next Day the smart reporter wrote: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

Bishop was so upset again that he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

Next day the paper headline read: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop this time fainted. He immediately informed the nun to get rid of the donkey. The nun then sold it to a farmer for Rs.15/-.

Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR Rs.15/-.

The Bishop seething in anger over the publicity asked the nun to buy back the donkey and let loose it in the wilderness to make it run wild and free.

Next day, the smart reporter wrote: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Next day the bishop died of shock and was buried the following day.


2.  A Drunk and a Bishop
A drunken smelling stench of alcohol tumbled down on a subway seat next to a bishop. The drunk's tie was stained, his hair was disheveled and his face smeared with lipstick marks. His coat was dirty and torn. A half-empty bottle of cheap alcohol was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the bishop and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow men!"

"Oh my !  I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The bishop, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry; I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had this arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father... I was just reading here in the newspaper that the Pope does!"


3.  Finding Jesus
A drunk on a Sunday afternoon stumbles along a Baptismal Service taking place down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The Preacher turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The Preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The Preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the Preacher, "Are you sure this is where HE fell in?"


4.  The Case of Fallen People
The old priest got tired of his church members confessing to adultery. One Sunday, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked the priest much. So they came up with a code word. Anyone who committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

The old priest was happy at this. And he died one day. A new young priest came in his place. After a couple of Sundays he went to see the Mayor of the city and told him, Repair fast the roads and sidewalks. People come into confession box and simply confess having "fallen".

The Mayor laughed and before he could say anything of the new code word "fallen". The young priest hurt and shouted at the Mayor saying, "I don't know why you are laughing. Your wife has "fallen" three times this week.


5.  How Priests are Recognized
Three priests belonging to three different churches were enjoying a riverside bath. Since there was no one, they took of their clothes and dived into the water. After a while they came out of the water feeling refreshed.

As they were about to reach for their clothes lying at a distance, a group of old ladies were passing by. Seeing the ladies, the two priests covered their private parts while one priest covered his face and reached for their clothes. Later, the two priests asked the third priest why he covered his face instead of covering his private parts.

The third priest replied, "I don't know about you, but in my church, it's my FACE that people recognize."


6.  Praise the Lord
An elderly lady who was well known for her faith boldly talks about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise The Lord!"

An atheist living next door who gets so angry at her faith he would shout and say, "There is no Lord!!"

Hard times has come in for the elderly lady. She prayed to God for HIS help. "Praise the Lord. God give me. Please Lord, send me some groceries.”

The next morning the lady went out and noted a large bag of groceries on the porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor rushed from behind a wall and said, "Oh! I told you there was no God. I bought those items, God didn't."

The lady overjoyed and shouted, "Praise the Lord. HE not only sent me items, but HE made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"


7. A Man of Mighty Faith
Once there lived a man of mighty faith. His faith was such that he commands God to do his bidding. Once there was a mighty flood that submerged his city. His neighbor invited him into his boat, "Come with me I'll take you to the safe place."

The man politely refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

Two hours later as the water continued to rise another neighbor passed in a rubber raft, offering to take him to a safe place.

Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

Four hours passed. The man clung to the chimney, trying to avoid the rising water.  A helicopter hovering overhead threw down a ladder "Climb up. We take you to a safe place!" The pilot said.

Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

After that no one came and he met his fate in the watery grave. Standing before God, the man said, "Lord I believed in you, my faith was strong and unwavering and You let me drown!"

Looking at him God replied, "I sent a boat first, then a raft, and finally a helicopter. What more did you want from me!"


8.      Not the Best Preacher Eh?
Two elderly, devout women were sitting together in a church listening to a fiery preacher. When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "You Said it Brother!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "Preach it Reverend!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "Oh Right on Brother... Amen!"

Now the preacher condemned the sin of gossip. The two got very quiet. And one said to the other, "He's quit preaching and started meddlin'. Very Bad !!"