Monday, December 31, 2012

Jokes on Religion

1.  Reporter too Intelligent
A smart reporter has once joined a local newspaper as an editor. To discover her talent the paper assigned her a first job to cover the activities of a small church in the neighborhood.

The small church lacked funds. The preacher wanted to raise money for his church. Someone told him that horse racing was the best bet to raise fast money. He then went to buy a horse and as the price was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He entered his donkey in the races leaving the results in the Hand of God.

The next day the smart reporter carried the headline in the local paper: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"

The preacher was delighted with the donkey’s performance that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The smart reporter's headline in the paper read as: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity and immediately ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the race again.

Next Day the smart reporter wrote: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

Bishop was so upset again that he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

Next day the paper headline read: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop this time fainted. He immediately informed the nun to get rid of the donkey. The nun then sold it to a farmer for Rs.15/-.

Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR Rs.15/-.

The Bishop seething in anger over the publicity asked the nun to buy back the donkey and let loose it in the wilderness to make it run wild and free.

Next day, the smart reporter wrote: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Next day the bishop died of shock and was buried the following day.


2.  A Drunk and a Bishop
A drunken smelling stench of alcohol tumbled down on a subway seat next to a bishop. The drunk's tie was stained, his hair was disheveled and his face smeared with lipstick marks. His coat was dirty and torn. A half-empty bottle of cheap alcohol was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the bishop and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow men!"

"Oh my !  I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The bishop, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry; I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had this arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father... I was just reading here in the newspaper that the Pope does!"


3.  Finding Jesus
A drunk on a Sunday afternoon stumbles along a Baptismal Service taking place down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The Preacher turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The Preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The Preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the Preacher, "Are you sure this is where HE fell in?"


4.  The Case of Fallen People
The old priest got tired of his church members confessing to adultery. One Sunday, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked the priest much. So they came up with a code word. Anyone who committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

The old priest was happy at this. And he died one day. A new young priest came in his place. After a couple of Sundays he went to see the Mayor of the city and told him, Repair fast the roads and sidewalks. People come into confession box and simply confess having "fallen".

The Mayor laughed and before he could say anything of the new code word "fallen". The young priest hurt and shouted at the Mayor saying, "I don't know why you are laughing. Your wife has "fallen" three times this week.


5.  How Priests are Recognized
Three priests belonging to three different churches were enjoying a riverside bath. Since there was no one, they took of their clothes and dived into the water. After a while they came out of the water feeling refreshed.

As they were about to reach for their clothes lying at a distance, a group of old ladies were passing by. Seeing the ladies, the two priests covered their private parts while one priest covered his face and reached for their clothes. Later, the two priests asked the third priest why he covered his face instead of covering his private parts.

The third priest replied, "I don't know about you, but in my church, it's my FACE that people recognize."


6.  Praise the Lord
An elderly lady who was well known for her faith boldly talks about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise The Lord!"

An atheist living next door who gets so angry at her faith he would shout and say, "There is no Lord!!"

Hard times has come in for the elderly lady. She prayed to God for HIS help. "Praise the Lord. God give me. Please Lord, send me some groceries.”

The next morning the lady went out and noted a large bag of groceries on the porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor rushed from behind a wall and said, "Oh! I told you there was no God. I bought those items, God didn't."

The lady overjoyed and shouted, "Praise the Lord. HE not only sent me items, but HE made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"


7. A Man of Mighty Faith
Once there lived a man of mighty faith. His faith was such that he commands God to do his bidding. Once there was a mighty flood that submerged his city. His neighbor invited him into his boat, "Come with me I'll take you to the safe place."

The man politely refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

Two hours later as the water continued to rise another neighbor passed in a rubber raft, offering to take him to a safe place.

Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

Four hours passed. The man clung to the chimney, trying to avoid the rising water.  A helicopter hovering overhead threw down a ladder "Climb up. We take you to a safe place!" The pilot said.

Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the Lord, and He will save me."

After that no one came and he met his fate in the watery grave. Standing before God, the man said, "Lord I believed in you, my faith was strong and unwavering and You let me drown!"

Looking at him God replied, "I sent a boat first, then a raft, and finally a helicopter. What more did you want from me!"


8.      Not the Best Preacher Eh?
Two elderly, devout women were sitting together in a church listening to a fiery preacher. When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "You Said it Brother!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "Preach it Reverend!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "Oh Right on Brother... Amen!"

Now the preacher condemned the sin of gossip. The two got very quiet. And one said to the other, "He's quit preaching and started meddlin'. Very Bad !!"


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Was Christ really born on 25th of December?

  Was Christ really born on 25th of December? What does the Holy Bible say on Christ’s birth? What does pagan customs and traditions has to do with the celebration of birthday of Christ? Read on... here are the interesting facts dug out from the pages of ancient history.

  Let history say whatever it has to say. But one thing is true. Jesus Christ was born. Doesn’t mind the date and time. This article is only written from the point of academic interest. Treat it thus and correct me if I am wrong.


The Birth of Christ
Rejoicing the Birth of Jesus Christ
"…behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be unto all people. For unto you is born this day… a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. Luke 2 : 10 & 11.

   Its indeed good news that Christ the Lord, "…died for our sins… and buried; and rose again on the third day…" I Corinthians 15 : 3 & 4. So that whosoever believeth on Him should have everlasting life…" John 3 : 36.

   What isn’t good news is that the way the Christmas – supposed to be birthday of Lord Jesus Christ – is being celebrated. It has become a ritualistic festival with many pagan (non-Christian) customs being observed as a tradition on that day, thereby diluting the very essence of Christ’s birth and His mission on this earth. I Peter 2 : 24; Colossians 1 : 14; and Isaiah 53 : 5 & 6.

Even the ardent believer whose faith in the Word of God is unshakable seems to have fallen victim to the ritualistic celebrations, which is indeed abhorrence to Lord God.

   For Christmas does not mean the birth of Christ. The word is made up of Christ + Mass which means Christ’s Mass. The Mass is a much-sanctified religious service of the Roman Catholic Church, the performance of the sacrament of the Eucharist, i.e. ceremony performing Lord’s Supper. And Mass is a Latin Word meaning dismiss.

   Further, there is no precedence in the Bible where Christ’s birth was celebrated. But the Lord did ask His people to remember His death. Luke 22 : 19 & 20; and I Corinthians 11 : 24 to 26.

   No one can dispute the fact about Christ’s birth. But it was definitely not on 25th December as believed by Christians throughout the world.

The Possible Scriptural Evidence
   There is possible evidence to believe that Christ was born during the Feast of Tabernacles, which falls in the intervening months of September\October. Of course, one only has to study the Scriptures diligently and relate all the Old Testament prophecies concerning Jesus Christ and place all the feasts of the Lord in proper perspective in relationship to the Savior, (like Passover is related to His crucifixion and First fruits to His resurrection etc.) and interpret it correctly in the light of the Gospels.

   Well, as of December and 25th; it is written in Luke 2 : 8 to 11 that …shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night were told by the Angels of the Lord about Christ’s birth. But this incident couldn’t have happened in December. In Judea, at that time December was cold and at that a rainy season, which is most unlikely that shepherds were out in the field by night.

   Also in verse 1 of the same chapter Luke says, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that the entire world should be taxed or registered for census purposes; and in subsequent verses 3 to 6, “all went to be taxed… Joseph also went up… to be taxed with Mary. This incident also cannot be traced to the month of December because middle of the winter was not fitting for such a business, especially for women with child, and children to travel in those days.

   Even Christ has warned his disciples. "But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter." Mathew 24 : 20. If winter was so bad (like hell) even to flee, then it was certainly not fit time for shepherds to be in the fields nor for women and children to travel. 

   Thus in the light of this argument we could well say, that Christ’s birth and the occurrences of the events in Luke Chapter 2, could not have taken place during winter or more precisely in the month of December as was believed by Christians throughout the world.

   Then how come December 25th has come into wide acceptance as the day of the birth of Christ?

The Significance of December 25th
   To get at the root of this, one should go back to the ancient times and have a look at their customs and traditions that has unique relationship with the day of 25th December.

*  December 25th was the day on which was celebrated the accouchement of the Queen of Heaven, the celestial  Virgin, and the birth of her child, the sun-god.

*  The Savior of Greeks, Bacchus or Dionysus was born of a Virgin on the 25th of December.

So was Hercules. Isis, the Egyptians’ Virgin Queen of Heaven delivered the child called Horus towards the end    of December [probably 25th December].

*   The Egyptians apart from worshipping the Virgin Mother, they also to the congregation exhibited the effigy of her babe lying in a manger, a custom that is very much in practice even today in churches and homes throughout the Christian world.

In Rome, the day of winter solstice December 25th was celebrated as the birthday of the unconquered Sun; and it was the birthday of Mithra, the Persian sun-god, whose worship spread far and wide in the Roman Empire.

* Even in Hinduism, from time immemorial and to this day, Sun is worshipped as God. Yet Hinduism did not influence in fixing the Birth of Christ like other customs of the nations across Europe and West Asia did.

*   In Rome, there was another festival called Saturnalia in honor of Saturn, the god of seedtime and harvest. This festival was celebrated with much gaiety and revelry for a weeklong period during the end of December at winter solstice. It was just a kind of Christmas.

* The ancient Germans, Britons and Saxons burnt the Yule (Yule is the Chaldea name for an ‘infant’ or ‘little   child’) log and banqueted at the winter solstice. Their bonfire symbolically represented the sun god’s regeneration as he returned from his winter-home. Thus Christians of that time thought it fit to celebrate the birth of Christ on that day as burning of Yule log supposed to represent the Light of life.

* During the reign of Constantine the Emperor of Rome, the Church at Rome under Bishop Liberius, around 320  A D or 354 A D assigned and fixed December 25th as the day of celebration of Christmas.

December 25th was Fixed as Christ's Birthday
   Thus by the end of the 4th century the whole of the Christian world was celebrating Christmas on 25th of December.

  This is how the day of Mithraic feast of sun god; festival of Saturnalia; and the Yuletide feast; including the veneration of the Queen of Heaven followed by celebration in Egypt, Greek and other parts of the world under Roman Empire strongly influenced the day of Christ’s birth, which came to be the 25th of December.

   But not all fell in line and upright men like Tertullian (230 A D) protested and lamented. They blamed the Disciples of Christ in this respect and demanded they keep themselves away from world’s idolatrous corruption. They couldn’t stem the tide and gradually the church was submerged under pagan superstition.

   John Chrysostom, an Antioch born zealous pastor and archbishop of Constantinople writing in Antioch about 380 A D says, "The birth of our Lord was unknown on the very borders of the Holy Land where He was born; but was made known in all the European regions of the west, from Thrace even to Spain…"

   It is quite clear from the above statement that in those days itself the birth of Christ was unknown in a land where He was born.

Finally December 25th was Accepted as Christ's Birthday
   By the turn of the 4th century, Christians began defending the celebration of Christmas on 25th December on the ground that it got an opportunity to turn the people away from pagan traditions to that of worshipping the Christ as Lord God and Savior.

   To this effect, there went out an official decree to all to observe the festival of Christmas on 25th of December, for it gave them, they believed, a chance to put Jesus Christ, the “Sun of Righteousness” ( Malachi 4 : 2 ) in peoples’ hearts in place of the sun god Mithra. Yes, David also proclaimed in his Psalms 84:11 as “For the LORD God is a sun and shield…”

   Thus, gradually by the year 450 A D and to this day, the 25th of December came to be observed as Christmas, the birth of Christ, throughout the Christian world.